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AutoBuyology 101©

An Arts & Sciences Crash Ph.D. Course in CarBuyology 101©
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15 Sec. Car Deal Lecture
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Ten Reasons to Buy or Lease from a Factory "Authorized" Dealer
Not available at all locations.
Call ahead for reservations and details.
Subject to change without notice.
Limited to stock on-hand.
Your experience may vary.

"Whatever traffic allows.
Objects in mirror closer then they appear!
(heh, heh, : )"

  • 1. Inflated flat rate service and repair charges subsidizes the rich and challenges the financially challenged. (You pay book price even if we fix it in less time than the book specifies... so we can continue reaping record profits so we can continue overcharging you).

  • 2.
    "Professional" sales staff trained and experienced in all the tricks to assist you with your next new or used car deal mistakes." "Come On Down!"

  • 3.
    Three levels of car deal fleece: 1) Skinned; 2) Scalped; 3) Sheared... All with a warm smile and firm handshake. Y'all come back real soon, now!

  • 4.
    Thousands of customers professionally dinged everyday by Factory Authorized and Independent Auto Dealers, Service Mechanics and Auto Body and Fender Repairers across America. Our reputation precedes us...

  • 5.
    Lemons laundered, while you wait.

  • 6.
    Undisclosed defects "detailed" while you wait.

  • 7.
    Invoices inflated on the spot.

  • 8.
    Unchecked profit creep (its included in the "Value Price").

  • 9.
    Free new car smell (oh, OK, yeah, it's included in the mfr.'s invoice price).

  • 10.
    Free mints. (they're included in the mfr.'s invoice value price, too.)

  • 11.
    Support Gucci lifestyle of the slick and tawdry.

  • 12.
    Free restrooms. May be out of order for customers.

  • 13.
    Not affiliated with the tobacco industry (in some cases).

  • 14.
    Help purchase another slick sales pitch plaque for dealership wall decor (etched brass on walnut or dark oak preferred), thank you and come back real soon, now.

  • 15.
    Car you test drove may not be the one presented to you after you sign contract -- neat tricks, free.

  • 16.
    Vehicle you were told was a corporate "executive" car, is actually a buffed up abused rental car.

  • 17.
    Expensive lease agreements disguised as purchase agreements.

  • 18.
    Lies dressed up as the truth.

  • 19.
    Fully automatic disclosures in writing (worth the paper they're written on).

  • 20.
    Complete customer satisfaction, and I do mean complete. Know what I mean? Hey, its our goal, though. (Rough car-deal-sex is stanard equipment).

  • 21.
    Full warranty replacements with a smile and no questions asked. Subject to change after purchase.

  • 22.
    30 day free replacement policy (no quibbling {bring receipt})

  • 23.
    Objective consumer needs assessment matches you and your budget with the car that's right for you (extended warranty coverage during mfr. warranty period {just in case}, extra) regardless of the models the dealer has in stock.

  • 24.
    Dealer will never tell you that the vehicle you want is in short supply or difficult to get just to milk a cheesy higher profit for an extra pair of Gucci shoes at the expense of your children's welfare.

  • 25.
    Dealer more interested in you as a real person than merely selling a car for the highest profit or churning inventory.

  • 26.
    Dealer more interested in cars than your money.

  • 27. D
    ealer and manufacturer play customer ping pong - wap, wap, wap, back and forth, blaming the other for responsibility. You bought it, its yours now, sucker.

  • 28.
    Dealer will fight manufacturer for best price for customer, including negotiating a lower manufacturer profit so the customer can save big money.

  • 29.
    If vehicle is a lemon and the manufacturer refuses to make the deal whole, the dealer will step in a make it right, because the dealer really cares about your repeat business in seven or eight years after he or she has filed bankruptcy several times.

  • 30.
    Dealer flips and turns you between several sales people to keep the deal interesting and you happily confused.

  • 31.
    Dealer offers you a cup of coffee, or stands up and blocks the exit, and offers another "fantastic" offer as he sees you are about to get up to leave - to keep you from "flying". (Grounding).

  • 32.
    Dealer only adds on forgotten extras after he has agreed to your offer in writing. (With your approval, of course)

  • 33.
    Free floor mats, but only if you request, er, demand them as a critical factor in closing the deal.

  • 34.
    All vehicles fully meet all watered down federal safety requirements and tests, although the salespeople have no idea what they are.

  • 35.
    Cheap plastic, shiny thin tin, and glass for an unbelievably fantastic price. Sorry, semi-gloss and non-glare finishers are not available as they reveal shabby metal fabrication and show what the vehicle might look like in three to five years.

  • 36.
    Factual advertising that does not toy with consumer psychology and emotions.

  • 37.
    If dealer tricks its customers it is only because everyone else cheats, and because the manufacturers have flooded the market with dealerships and vehicles which makes cheating necessary to profit so handsomely (Time Magazine, July 25, 1994).

  • 38.
    Your purchase may result in the dealer donating $15 or $20 to charity if he or she feels like it and has the time after fleecing you out the door.

  • 39.
    Guarantee is finely printed on parchment. We guarantee it to be a very limited. Your experience may vary.

  • 40.
    That's funny, it had a full tank of gas when I test drove it a half hour ago. Now its bone dry. Yes folks, our dealers suck. Try us, you will enjoy the experience. We guarantee it!. Now where did the bumper trim go, it was there a minute ago.

  • 41.
    Extra small spare tire saves "you" money, and looks funky too.

  • 42.
    Rust proofing was pre-installed at the factory. Feel free to purchase extra protection from the dealer. The profit margin on these deal add-ons or top-offs is phenomenal. Porsche jackets, optional.

  • 43.
    All sales staff have been lie-detected and have signed a promise to only use the truth in bamboozling customers. Trust us. Copy available upon request.

  • 44.
    Completely clear and error free forms and paperwork gladly provided to you free by mail or fax.

  • 45.
    Free dealer monogrammed license plate frames subsidizes the price of your new car, lowering your overall costs. (Or we'll pay you to drive around with our name and phone number on your license plant mount frames).

  • 46.
    Dealer pays you a monthly stipend for driving around with the name of the dealership on the front and back license plate frames of your car. (Ask for special contract).

  • 47.
    Generic or customized license plate mounts provided upon request (extra).

  • 48.
    Dealer provides a notarized written release of all consumer complaint information filed against dealership with the Better Business Bureau and public and private consumer protection agencies for your review before dealing. Upon request, with a smile. (:- ).

  • 49.
    Dealer provides you with a complete notarized copy of dealership's credit report, including owner's home address and phone number, upon request, with a smile, before dealing for your confidence in dealing and in deepest respect of you as a consumer and as a sign of the value of your business to the dealership.

  • 50.
    Dealership service area designed so customers can watch their cars being repaired. (In some locations, if you're lucky). (If you can watch your car being cleaned at the car wash, why can't you watch it being repaired?) Dealerships will provide customer with complete videotape of all repairs from start to finish, including coffee breaks, upon request, free with service. (Video cameras from three separate angles to preclude shadow or hidden areas). Feel free to bring your own camera to record the event for your future viewing enjoyment (liability insurance certificate required) .

  • 51.
    Dealership provides night and weekend service hours by reservation at customer's convenience at no extra charge.

  • 52.
    Service fees charged by actual time and materials, not according to an inflated industry standards (price fixing) schedule. Besides we always do less work faster then the book says.

  • 53
    Free "lemon" car and lemon deal insurance coverage. Extra, please read the fine print.

  • 54.
    Dealer and manufacturer split costs to lower your insurance deductible for six months to cover undisclosed defect or hidden damage repairs discovered after sale.

  • 55.
    Cars flood damaged in the midwest, northwest or earthquake damage in Alaska cheerfully detailed and sold as "new" at a dealership near you.

  • 56.
    Lemons are repainted a "lift-off" lemon (glows in the dark) color for subtle price negotiating clue.

  • 57.
    Dealer will give you a copy of the industry's policy on sanctioning and policing its practitioners to weed out sham dealers and practices, no request required. But request anyway, just in case supplies are depleted.

  • 58.
    Dealers diversifying into produce futures (sour citrus), lemons available at most locations, laundered and detailed while you wait...

  • 59.
    All vehicles fitted with an engine clock to accurately display how many hours the vehicle has been operated. This supplements the odometer in assisting consumers with determining the value and price of used vehicles which may have spent many hours idling in commute traffic. Car makers are happy to provide consumers with useful new applications of technologies, as long as consumers don't force consumer safety and protection laws on the industry. Look for bullet-proofed drive-by cars after its too late?

  • 60.
    Your purchase helps us fight fair car sales and service practices and consumer protection legislation. Thanks for rewarding us for our slippery, er., tricky tricks of the trade and Great American Car Deal. We love you as our own.

  • 61.
    Mechanic's Lien Law just means you pay whether we fix it or not... protects the dealer and repair shop, and we can charge less because we are guaranteed payment regardless of competence or result...hey, wouldn't you if you could write the rules? Nevermind that mechanic's fees are comparable to doctors' fees.

  • 62.
    Union squabbles breed love and affection between management and labor resulting in glitch free high and seamless quality assembly even when production runs are interrupted by strikes and work stoppages.

  • 63.
    Professional dealer "System Selling" techniques or "selling by the numbers" strategies rewards consumers by ignoring their value as customers and motivates sales regardless of the best interests of the consumer, everyone benefits.

  • 64.
    Glare-proof windows and finish make driving and living in areas with parking lots easier on the eyes and safer. Select our "consumer service" glare free models today and save. Actually beware that the non-glare finish option may make denting the body of the vehicle easier, as the thin tin has been squeezed about as thin as possible without ruffling in the wind at higher speeds.

  • 65.
    Consumer service is our number one goal. We've never met it, but its still our goal.
  • 66. Kevlared bullet-proof windows and door panels are but another of many customer service features provided at no extra cost to consumers who can show scars as proof of having received gunshot wounds during a carjacking. Optional, of course. Consider this option if you reside anywhere in North America.

  • 67.
    Free tire air. Well, actually its included in the "value price".

  • 68.
    Tamper-free odometers. Honest, we've had the technology for thirty years, and finally we decided to secretly install them on all our models. Guaranteed mileage, too. Trust us!

  • 69.
    Dealers employ sales and marketing techniques which have been called 'the language of deceit,' guaranteeing consumers the best possible unlikelihood of obtaining credible information about product, price or quality.

  • 70.
    Flat rate service and repair costs helps us spread the exorbitant prices around. You can rejoice in knowing that if we fix your car sooner then the book says, that your charge overage may help defray the costs when we take longer then the books says we should on someone's else's car. Your chairty is welcome.
  • 71. Etc., ad nauseam, ad infinitum

Auto Alternatives | Drive Shafts | Dealing With The Dealer
Hidden Profit$ | Consumer Driven Deals | Car Consumer Resources
Auto Industry Cases | Car Deal Repair Kit | My Last VW Mistake
"Ten Reasons" | Lemon Proofing Deals | CARveat's Caveat
You Can Help | CARveat Emptor Flyer | VW Junkyard | Links
My Other Car Not A VW | Legislative Alerts | Dodging Chryslers
Mini Van Junkyard | Activist Flyers True Costs of Driving | Car Deal Illiteracy
15 Sec. Car Deal Lecture | Parallel Parking | Test-I-Moanials


CARveat Emptor - Tricks of the Great American Car Deal ©
© copyright 1995-2012, R. Rand Knox. All Rights Reserved.
Not for use, reuse, resale or fee, in whole or in part, unless so licensed or released
by R. Rand Knox in writing.
Happy motoring, wheeling & dealing,
-- virtually and really.


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Help Save Your Breath, Life, Money & Planet (The breath, life, money and planet you save may be your own.)

For Healthier Air, Planet, & People: To Save Y'our Breath, Lives, Money & Planet...

Tell Car Makers To Make Cleaner-Air Vehicles
1 Jump Start Ford For A Cleaner-air Future

2 Jump Start Ford
Tell NHTSA to Improve Fuel Efficiency of SUVs
Tell Car Makers To Get Their Gas In Gear Flyer 2-up

Save Your Breath, Life, Money & Planet Flyer 1-up
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(The breath, life, money and planet you save may be your own.)

Car Deal Literacy & Self-help - Auto Consumer Resources List:

Troop Support - Up-armored Car Deals

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